Time on My Hands

Because I am still at home, healing from the dreaded pneumonia ( I hope that is all it is), I ponder the things that grate on me, frustrate me, and present themselves to me on a regular basis.  I studied intercultural communications long before I arrived at this current location. But until one actually experiences this as an outsider, all the theory in the world cannot prepare one completely for this episode as it unfolds.  I come from an individualistic culture. I now live in a collective culture that is undergoing change. Coming from a place that ingrains in me that I am responsible for my actions, my journey, and my outcomes, I find it difficult on many occasions to work with a culture that values harmony over truth and group loyalty over personal goals.  Because we are born into these cultures, we automatically live our lives accordingly. Of course there are exceptions to the rules, and in an individualistic culture there will be collective attitudes and in collective cultures there will be some individualistic attitudes. But they are not the norm.  Frustration sets in when I discover that I have been lied to simply because harmony overrides truth in many cases here.  Saving face is extremely important here, and an individual will do anything to save face; even lie if that is the solution.

I think we all begin life in a collective culture - as a child we need and want the rules and safety of the family group.  The difference between the two begins as the child begins to grow and explore life. There are no set rules for the individualist to follow in order to become who they are.  They are encouraged to find their own way and discover who they are. There are always rules and guidelines of course, but individually, we develop our own rules within that structure, and face the consequences if we break the 'collective rules' established in that democracy.  Guilt is the driving force. The collective culture employs shame as the motivator to follow the group rules. If one steps outside those collective values, the shame they face is the consequence of the action.  A strong motivator in this culture to do the group thing.

While the collective culture employs shame as the method to achieve a desired behaviour, individualists use guilt to achieve the same result.   Intrinsically, the collectives value the training and skills I provide.  Individually, they have collapsed in fear of being centred out.  I am proud of the fact that they have come a long way in that regard and allow themselves to be one on one with me without fear of shame or appearing unknowing.  They have even begun to dabble in the methodology I have brought with me, enjoying the outcomes along with the students and classrooms where they test these skills. We Westerners, collectively, would be affronted if we were placed in a group and not shown individual attention.  

Who I am causes me angst because I always have hope that I can be a catalyst for those here to make a change in their lives.  While this sounds a wee dramatic, it is true.  Anxiety does not define this, because anxiety only fuels the frustration with no solution for the problem.  Angst, I think, is the right word, because although I get frustrated, I know there is a solution.  Maybe I kid myself.

There is good and bad in both groups.  Individualists tend to sputter with noise just to fill the gaps of silence.  Many individualists cannot tolerate silence.  I never witness the locals swinging down the street or in their car with music blaring and headphones on.  The same cannot be said by foreigners transplanted here. I have watched my neighbour, a colleague, who drives off in her little buggy with gigantic headphones strapped to her head while her vehicle vibrates with the noise emitted into her ears. The problem many foreigners create is that no one listens. Everyone talks. I pride myself in being a good communicator, but living in this technological age I have been corrected on many occasions by my son when we SMS on Skype. He gets frustrated with me, and rightly so, when I begin typing when he is answering my last question.  This sort of interruption is exactly the same as talking over someone else in a verbal exchange.   Because I come from a communications background, those actions drive me insane.  Here, the culture allows silence.  However, I am not sure it is to absorb what has been said, or simply not understand what was said.  On many occasions I have discovered that what I said was not understood, so I constantly have to monitor my prattle and get confirmation that what I said is understood, and that a response is required. The collective group, in order to save face, will not admit they do not understand. They acquiesce frequently, just to keep harmony even though they do not agree or even understand.  

After writing this I have given myself an insight as to why my mentees resist using our wiki.  There are a few who boldly log in and take resources from the space. They are not brave enough to upload resources but they do contact me and tell me about a resource they would like to share.  Of course, now that I dissect this for myself, I see that they are not yet comfortable being an individualist in their collective culture. This action would expose them as different from the group.  For now I will continue to upload on their behalf, and believe that they will eventually do this on their own, or perhaps as a group. I am not sure my observation about changes is accurate. I have never witnessed a group of people who have the need to be first so overwhelming displayed as I have seen here. If you drive anywhere, there is always a string of vehicles that have the need to overpower another.  Maybe that is the first step to move out of the collective group mentality.  Whatever the reason, it is nice to see that individualism is being tried. I just stay in the slow lane and wait for them to develop the order before I join in. Once I have left their land and they realize there is no mentor to lean on, perhaps they will take over the reins and take small steps to big changes. I hope so.